Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Terrors fragile, tease the night, nubile and safe they allure.
Poisoned apples red with easement, fat with sweet liqueur.
A molasses prison within a dream, a sleep with no stone cast.
Whispers delusion into tired bone, pledges asylum vast.

Thicker than reason and gilded neatly at every golden seam,
wont let it grow without a mess, a mess I cannot clean.
lust maroon for pathways mild and burden a fraction lighter
Saturate us, destroy our home, the noose a fraction tighter.

The call of sleep is oh so sweet, the phalanx wilts, fatigued.
Demon lend me another drink, as I'm thoroughly intrigued.
Oh there is? Through the pass? Shelter to weather the storm?
Say its ok, it's easy and pure, but ultimately, forlorn.  

No matter how twisted these ancient halls, or pathways wrapped in snow,
no matter how thick with thorn and swords this journey overflow,
ignore the lies, the trap, the swamp, the corpse soaked in Merlot,
Fight for every fucking inch: it's the only way to know.
...
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2017-01-11
:iconthewarofthering:
TheWarOfTheRing Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2017
Maybe this should be marked as mature?

Congrats on the DD :)
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Maybe. Thanks by the way!
Reply
:iconthewarofthering:
TheWarOfTheRing Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017
Welcome :)
Reply
:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Amazing! Congrats on the DD.
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Thank you! : ) <3
Reply
:iconleviadraconia:
LeviaDraconia Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2017  Professional General Artist
:deviantart: Congrats on the DD! :heart: :clap: :deviantart:
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Thanks : P
Reply
:iconiduna-haya:
Iduna-Haya Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist

Congratulations on your Daily Deviation! Wonderful work :)

Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Thanks! 
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2016  Professional Writer
Hey there, good poem. I came back and read it a few times, actually.

1. I think so, now that I know what it is about. tbh I read it as inactivity because drinking is easier than getting on with your life or doing the hard stuff you don't want to. Why do that when you can get a glass of wine instead, sort of thing.

2. lol the imagery is good- i guess with the amount of booze refs it could be intoxicating. I see what you did there. there are a few lines i thought were quite good, in particular:
Poisoned apples red with easement,
Demon lend me another drink, as I'm thoroughly intrigued
ignore the lies, the trap, the swamp, the corpse soaked in Merlot

though at the same time the demon lend me part threw me simply because lending a drink sounds odd to me. It isn't a thing you usually borrow. could hand me or give me work?

3. yes, it does, except for a few places. Someone else already said it but the last line of the first stanza I am not sold on. It seems out of place with the rest of it or a bit tangential. As for the first line of that stanza I think you have an extra comma and also, I think the concept you're playing with is the right one to open the poem with, but I'm not sure about the execution of it. Just comparing it to the second and third lines of that stanza which are very tight, flowing, and excellent in terms of imagery, the first one to me comes off as vague instead of hard hitting like the rest of it.

The second and third stanzas are great, I loved them. And actually the third reminded of this old ballad I read... actually I think it was one of the many versions of Tam Lin, where there's three roads, one that is steep up covered in rocks and thorns but ultimately leads to heaven, one that is so gentle in grade and clear of bracken that you never notice it's actually going downhill (to guess where). ...and a third road full of dr seuss trees and a river of blood or some crack which I guess is the road to Faerie and has nothing to do with your poem, haha. Anyhow, the entire third stanza reminded me of that concept of the easy way down, that you don't even notice down is your direction.

I really liked the 4th because what I took from it is that it's the poet giving advice to the person living stanza's 1-3. Am I off on that? I liked that wrapping it up, saying, no, fight for it, and take the hard road, you'll benefit from it.

(also insofar as suggestions to fix the things I talked about in stanza 1, I'm afraid I'm too shite at writing poetry to come up with them, so, sorry for pointing our my perceived problems and not even offering a solution!)

4. no, i loved the fixed form.

cheers! thanks for the read.
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2016  Student Digital Artist
What I meant to say in question #1 was actually:

 "Does it properly convey the dangers of the fantasy of a challenge-less life?"    This entire poem is about how dangerous and intoxicating that fantasy is, the fantasy of a life without suffering, without serious challenge, without painful change. It is about us not wanting to accept the fact that we have to walk through the fire to reach a place where we are fulfilled - and that dreaming about a life that is not insanely difficult, is partially at fault for our failures. 


  Just to clarify, I was going for something like that.  I think maybe this clears up the last line of the first stanza maybe? The fantasy pledges asylum vast. It promises safety, easement. Of course, it is a delusion. 
    You could be right about the first line. I am really dedicated to a few of the word choices, but maybe your right about the execution. Thanks for the advice! I will fix that comma. 

 Thank you for the bit about grammatical errors and things, it is something I am not the greatest at. 

  The demon lends a drink because demons give you nothing for free. Everything is on loan, usually at a terrible cost. 

  The 4th stanza could be another character talking to the first, or the first having a moment of clarity, and reminding himself about the dangers of said fantasy. 
      I'm glad you liked this stanza. 



 Thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked it. 

 
Reply
:iconlifeofsherman:
LifeOfSherman Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2016  Student Writer
This was a really nice read, and althought Zara-Arletis said a lot of what I was thinking about it I'll try and add my own insights if I can.

I love the consistency throughout this poem in terms of sticking to the rhyme scheme and the syllable length - it made the pacing much more constant and more effective - and your imagery and range of vocabulary is very impressive. You set a brilliantly dark atmosphere and subverted it to give hope with the last stanza, and the last line worked a lot better than it probably should have considering the unexpected change in language style. I honestly can't fault that much about the imagery and tone in the poem - it's pretty much spot-on.

However, I would agree with Zara in that the punctuation placement sometimes made the pacing feel a bit strange, and there were a couple of small errors with capitalization and punctuation so always make sure to proofread carefully. Also, although your grasp of imagery is incredible, I felt like there wasn't as much emotional resonance as there should have been. I'm guessing that many other readers may feel alienated by the vast vocabulary, but even if they aren't there isn't really a strong message or theme to the poem until the very end so there's less of an identifiable character or emotion for the reader to connect to. The only main improvement I'd suggest for this work is to try and bring out depictions of those emotions and this character more so the readers have something to relate to. Otherwise, definitely keep up the good work! :)
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Thank you! 

 I will be sure to proof read better, and maybe add some more POV or viewing character to my pieces. 

 <3 

Thanks!
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Your word choice is very sensual - lots of taste, touch, and sound words in each stanza. I love how the first three lines sound so decadent, but in a sick way - using the poisoned apple and molasses prison imagery was very effective. The last line of the first stanza didn't seem to fit as well to me as the first three though. It does fit with the general theme of the a dream you can't escape (which was my read on this piece).

The second stanza starts very strongly - I love the first and last lines. "wont let it grow without a mess, a mess I cannot clean." fits with the first line, but it doesn't feel as impactful. You might consider rewording it - I think what you are going for here is the idea of being trapped in a clean, safe environment. Stifled even. The next line "lust maroon for pathways mild and burden a fraction lighter" came as a bit of a surprise. It feels like the intent shifted here, and I'm not sure what the intent was with this. Mild pathways is a pretty clear reference to the easy path, but "lust maroon" and the lighter burden didn't seem to fit. I may be missing something though.

The third stanza was my favorite, as the imagery there is very strong and thematic. The last line feels a bit off though - it fits the theme, again, but the last bit "ultimately, forlorn" - I'm not sure what you were trying to say there. That seeking shelter is useless? Or that the easy path is depressing? You may want to rework that line for clarity, depending on what you intend the reader to get from it.

The last stanza feels like it takes everything from the prior three and pulls the poem in the opposite direction. There, the easy path, decadence, the gilded cage, and here the rough and dangerous way that will take you to the truth. The end of the dream, so to speak. If that was what you were going for, really good job there ^_^

To answer your questions:
1. I didn't think about a challenge-less life specifically, though I suppose the inescapable dream or gilded cage is a similar idea.
2. The imagery is fantastic through most of your poem. Very evocative.
3. There were a few points I mentioned above where I felt like the flow wasn't as clean as it could have been. 
4. Traditional structure is fine with me - I think it can make it harder on the author to fit their theme into the form in a way that is still pleasant to read. On that, I think you did pretty well. It's hard to rhyme and still hold the sense of the poem. 
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Before I go any further let me just seriously thank you - I have never received such practical, sincere and curious analysis of any of my works. 

 Then secondly, let me in detail explain what I was trying to convey, and maybe I can go over some of what you said here, if you have the time someday and maybe pull this out a little further. I am very interested in becoming a better writer, and you seem to have a weight about your words, some kind of abstract authority that seems like it comes from a lot of experience.

What I meant to say in question #1 was actually:

 "Does it properly convey the dangers of the fantasy of a challenge-less life?"    This entire poem is about how dangerous and intoxicating that fantasy is, the fantasy of a life without suffering, without serious challenge, without painful change. It is about us not wanting to accept the fact that we have to walk through the fire to reach a place where we are fulfilled - and that dreaming about a life that is not insanely difficult, is partially at fault for our failures. 

I know, that was a mouthful, and I never needed it to fully get across, or if it did to get across cleanly - I just want you to know that this is where I am coming from with this piece.

You bring up the last line of the first stanza - The apples are red with easement. The fantasy is safe, and nubile. It is easy.      The last line is explaining that the fantasy promises safety. You a refugee to the land of this fantasy. it: "pledges asylum vast." the poison in the apples, the terrors that haunt both promise easement, safety, just like the last line does. 

The second stanza: Its thicker than reason, because when you are in the realm of fantasy, especially a desperate and longing one, or when you are drunk - you dont think rationally. You make a good point about the second line. 
Lust maroon, is because red is intense right? Burden a fraction lighter, you will understand now that I have explained the point of the poem. 

The third stanza: It is forlorn because its not real, its lonely, abandoned - because the shelter was a lie that you told yourself. 

The end is kind of like waking up, its about not entertaining the fantasy of the easy life, as it can only hinder you. It's about working for everything you can possibly work for, and throwing yourself at life and challenge with no holds barred. 

 This whole thing is kind of me screaming at myself in a kind of way. 



   Knowing all this, should I maybe have written it differently if I wanted to convey something so specific? 
 I have always been of the opinion that it doesn't matter what people get out of it necessarily as long as they have a visceral experience. But then again, if I don't give them an explanation like this, they may have the experience you did, where it is kind of disconnected and slightly contradictory. 


   I really have found all this helpful. In my mind, this is the best thing I have ever written in my entire life - If I can deconstruct this from some semi objective standpoint and find out what to improve from here, I feel like I can feel really take my writing to the next level. 


 Thanks again, for your time. 
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I'm always glad if anything I say helps ^_^

Once I read your response, I was like - ah yeah, ok that makes it all fit together more clearly. I get it. I think it might help convey your intent if you added some verbs to the text, an actor so to speak, that desires, fears, and eventually wakes. I don't think you would need to change much of the text to include that, if you wanted to attempt an edit.

It's always tricky with art, especially poetry, to bring across a specific intent. Your audience will always pull things from the text you didn't intend, but you can try to guide them ^_^ I thought your poem was excellent, but it didn't bring me to the same conclusion you intended. I think that's where you want to focus your efforts. You've got the flow and the evocative imagery down already.

I host a litcrit chat twice a month - the next one should be January 7th. They are usually at 10am PST. I don't know what your time zone is though . . . anyway, if you can come, you should! They are a lot of fun, and I think everybody gets something out of it. 
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Hm, I dont tend to do too many edits once I write something, but would like to know all the same what you would do. This will help me in the future. Where would you add these verbs? This actor? 

 Also, Where is the chat room? On DA?   I am in EST


 : ) 
Reply
:iconzara-arletis:
Zara-Arletis Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Lol, I don't blame you. Once I mark something done I have the hardest time going back to it. Sometimes I will though, after some time has passed. I like to see if I got any better in the interim xD 

The chatroom is on dA - we usually post a poll with links to the chat starting about an hour before. If you're EST 10am here would be about 1pm your time. Just look for the polls in your dA messages ^_^
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Thanks!
Reply
:iconslakajuster:
slakajuster Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Does this correctly relay the dangers of a challenge-less life?

Is its imagery intoxicating?

Does it flow in a way that is captivating?

Does its traditional structure turn you off?  
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconslakajuster: More from slakajuster



Featured in Collections

written works by evermirror

Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

DDs by DevNews


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
December 2, 2016
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,874
Favourites
40 (who?)
Comments
20

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
×